The Thief of Joy

I have never been a person who has referred to himself as an ‘artist’, per se.

Certainly I have always felt compelled to be creative in some capacity, but I never felt as though anything that I did was worthy of being dubbed ‘art’. Even after playing in a band for nearly 7 years, I would consistently downplay this achievement by stating that, yes, I played music- but I was not a musician. I can recognize now that this was incredibly frustrating for those who supported me, as it can be an insufferable thing to hear on a constant basis.

There are a myriad of reasons for my downplaying of my abilities as a creative person- psychological reasons likely chief among them, however it is only recently that I have actually been able to accept the fact that perhaps I am, in some capacity, an ‘artist’.

Somewhere outside of Christchurch, New Zealand. Shot on Portra 400.

When I first decided to give photography a proper go back in Autumn of 2023, I was definitely still stuck in this mindset that nothing I tried to do would be worth much, and I would never be a ‘photographer’.

(Giving myself the grace to be new at something and having to actually take the time to learn has never been one of my strong suits).

Yet, without diving too much into a retrospective on the past year and a half, I was able to build my confidence by simply being persistent. Comparison be damned, I was having so much fun simply learning the ins and outs of photography, and felt that it was something that I was always meant to do. It is genuinely such a privilege to simply just enjoy something for the sake of it, rather than feeling as though there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel that you are racing towards.

As with all things though, the need for validation and reassurance that was likely instilled in me from 8 years of University eventually caught up with me.

Since last summer, I have taken photos that I did not know I was capable of taking. Having been presented with some life-changing opportunities to shoot some of my favourite bands lit a fire in me that had long been snuffed out from a lack of inspiration, and the ever-present ‘imposter syndrome’ that many of us face quickly subsided. For lack of a better term, I was on a roll.

Having other people believe in you and what you can accomplish may be one of the best feelings in the world. The sense of validation and affirmation that your work is worthwhile and meaningful provides a very unique sense of confidence. In many ways, it almost feels like an addiction. You spend months, sometimes years, building up a portfolio that reflects not only what you can do, but more importantly who you are.

New Plymouth, New Zealand. Shot on Portra 400.

So what is it that I am getting at here? There are a myriad of things that I want to say, but knowing that our collective attention spans are getting shorter every day, I will keep it brief.

I’m not feeling inspired.

When I made the decision to pack up my life and move abroad, I had been feeling trapped. Every day that passed where I found myself in the city that I grew up in was, in my mind, another day wasted. This is an incredibly exhausting mindset to have, and despite all attempts, I knew that I simply needed to escape- at least for a while.

I believed that by leaving, I would suddenly become a better, more inspired ‘artist’, and my work would inherently have more meaning. In some ways, I do believe that this is true, as many of the images I have taken and projects that I have begun to work on do reflect the way that I see the world. I suppose that this is the goal of any artist, and so on that front, I am doing okay.

Yet- despite feeling this inner sense of fulfillment and satisfaction with what I am creating, I feel relatively hopeless about my work, because I don’t believe that it has a purpose. In other words, I am quite certain that no one cares.

To be very clear here, this is not a ‘woe is me’ scenario. I have many goals and plans for what I want to achieve with what I have created, and the simple fact is that patience and persistence are the key elements in accomplishing my goals. What I want to recognize however is that social media seems to be robbing me of the joy that should come with photography.

Rangitoto Island, New Zealand. Shot on X-H2s.

Social media more broadly is completely saturated by travel photography, and your work must be exceptional to stand out amongst the ocean of other photos that exist there. Similarly, concert photography is an exceptionally competitive and niche subsect of media which is filled with the stunning images from so many wonderful photographers. I feel quite lucky that I am in contact with these circles of creatives, and that after just a year of photography, I can contribute to these areas- even in a small way.

Yet, as the old saying goes; comparison is the thief of joy.

Being outside of the realm of concert photography specifically has been quite difficult for me, as I feel that I have found both my style and my place, and I know that a year of deep focus and persistence would result in some more amazing opportunities and possibilities as summer quickly approaches back home. I recognize that there is still so much to work on and improve, but I know that I am capable of achieving the things I set my mind to.

Recognizing however that I have chosen to focus on something different; at least for a little while, has come at the expense of feeling like I am falling behind, and that I have discarded the momentum that I felt I had built over the past year. Whether I am overstating or understating my abilities- I am not quite sure. Yet at the core, I feel as though what I am doing is not quite enough.

In summary, the absence of creating images with ‘purpose’ has left me feeling as though I am grasping for some sense of validation; something which can feel fleeting at times due to lack of engagement or support. I suppose the simple solution is to simply take better photos, and tell a better story. Alternatively, I could simply be grateful that I am creating things that I alone enjoy- perhaps that should be enough.

Only time will tell if I can crack the code.